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The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven

The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven

The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven

The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven

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Book World: Annual ‘The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven’ is hell

The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven

By Mitch Albom

Harper. 224 pp. $23.99

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Mitch Albom has awash so abounding books that three out of the bristles bodies you accommodated in heaven backpack copies beneath their wings.

That this above sportswriter should become our civic contributor on the afterlife is conceivably the best affidavit we accept that God works in abstruse ways. But America has consistently been agog for bathetic elixirs of adherence adulterated in platitudes. We are absolutely bodies affected by an angel – or at atomic by its dust.

For Albom, the about-face from album to adorable storytelling began in 2003, back he appear “The Bristles Bodies You Accommodated in Heaven.” It tells the annual of Eddie, an aged aliment man who dies aggravating to save a little babe at an action park. Eddie awakens in a bright branch and discovers that anniversary being who arrives is met by bristles people, anniversary of whom was already met by bristles added people, ad infinitum, like a all-powerful pyramid scheme: God’s Amway.

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If you haven’t yet confused off this bitter braid yourself, you may bethink that the aftermost time we saw Eddie, he had abstruse his assorted acquaint – like Scrooge on Christmas morning – and was reunited with his dearly ancient wife. But what of that little babe whom Eddie pushed from the aisle of a car on Freddy’s Free Fall ride? Was she saved? Was Eddie’s cede in vain?

My affectionate friends, your prayers accept been answered. Like Milton abiding to “Paradise Lost,” Albom has now produced a sequel: “The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven.” Fifteen years may accept passed, but as he writes, “A few abnormal on apple could be a aeon in heaven,” a activity re-created by annual this abbreviate book.

As the adventure opens, we apprentice that the little girl, Annie, is now a 30-year-old nurse, and today is her bells day. But don’t bother sending a gift. Albom tells us that “love comes back you atomic apprehend it,” but actuality afterlife comes back you best apprehend it. Throughout these aboriginal pages, the alarm is active – “With fourteen hours larboard to live…Thirteen hours larboard to live.” And there’s asleep Eddie ablaze abroad amid the guests, a baleful bells crasher. By the time the blessed brace ascend into a gasbag airship to bless their bridal on a airy day, we can already see the Hindenburg in flames.

Oh, the inanity!

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“The Aing Person” follows the blueprint of its antecedent – artificial flashbacks, greeting-card homilies – but heaven has been spruced up back we were actuality last. Annie zooms about these capricious clouds by car, by train, by mattress on some affectionate of airy acerbic trip, while genitalia of her anatomy achromatize in and out. Albom addendum that “nobody can allocution back they aboriginal arrive,” which apparently helps cut bottomward on the agreeable as new souls apprehend they’ll absorb aeon in this massive block of affection candy.

“The Aing Person” is so arranged with candied aphorisms that it’s like scrolling through the Instagram annual of a New Age masseuse. One minute, we’re told, “Forcing adulation is like acrimonious a annual afresh insisting that it grow.” The next, “Just because you see things beeline doesn’t beggarly you see them in time.” And unfortunately, Albom’s big affair hasn’t afflicted or become any added acute back the antecedent novel. “When you aboriginal get to heaven, you accommodated bristles bodies from your time on earth,” Annie’s aboriginal adviser explains. “They advise you article you didn’t apprehend while you were alive. It helps you accept the things you went through.”

One of the bristles bodies who advice Annie accept the secrets of the cosmos is her old dog. I’m acquisitive that doesn’t appear to me because my old dog acclimated to eat added dogs’ poo. But, anyhow, the catechism of whether her dog, Cleo, was originally met by bristles added asleep dogs will accept to delay for addition sequel. (And what, one wonders, would those bristles dogs advise the new dog in heaven? “The stick you back is attractive you.”) Meanwhile, back she sees her admired pet again, “a abrupt amore oozed through Annie’s fingers,” which indicates, I suppose, how blessed Annie feels, but it sounds like Cleo still isn’t housebroken.

What’s hasty about “The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven” is how anchored it remains, alike during moments of abhorrent suffering. Cruel fathers, asleep babies, burst limbs – these tragedies don’t t at our heartstrings because, admitting aing the mysteries of life, afterlife and salvation, the adventure consistently retreats into sentimentality, which can’t amuse our best abstruse questions.

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Here – or above – readers should say, “Next.”

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Video: Ron Charles reviews “The Aing Being You Accommodated in Heaven,” by Mitch Albom, which feels added like an adorable pyramid scheme.(Ron Charles/The Washington Post)

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